alice avalon

I have this weird mental quiet probably attributable to having not written in a while, but also due to having mostly eradicated what i call “busy brain” (symptom number 1 of my poor mental health). The past six months have felt very long, and haven’t been without post-honeymoon periods or stresses, but everything feels so different now because i am fundamentally ~happy~ and functioning in a very normal way for a sustained period.

 i don’t think that this is the first time necessarily, but after every tough spot, I always forget the feeling of being ill and vice versa. however, i do now feel more equipped. equipped feels like the right word. i’ve stopped punishing myself for absolutely everything, and then hating myself for dishing out the punishment so irrationally.  i can do a yoga class without thinking i’m <B>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX</b> and just thinking that makes me realise how ridiculous some of my self judgments were, and how rarely they were actually admitted. 

i have a core belief of “i am a human body that deserves baseline tenderness” now, which has been fostered by working with v. challenging people last year, and still feeling that way towards them. and also meeting people on the complete other end of the scale, who’s self compassion just radiates out of them and implore you to do the same. i keep stream of consciousness writing on here as a diary, I felt the need to write a diary update on my experience of 12 years of bad mental health, as every day that i unlearn behaviours, the more i realise that i <i>was</I> actually unwell, after years of it going unnoticed (it wasn’t “all in my head”) and that is ok. 

it was a huge amount of effort to move to london, do a mad woman’s job, realise i was going mad, acknowledge, self-refer, do and believe and be honest in my therapy, stick to my promises, be curious about new people. and all of those things don’t work for everyone, but i think now i believe in not being too comfortable, but being super kind to yourself while you’re doing that. i think that’s been the recipe for equipping myself, i’m not sure if it would be for more people too. 

shout out for rly beautiful humans that being around constantly helped, and for doing a slow fade on anyone that challenges/unnerves you in a way that’s not positive. also to recognising that it’s never over, but that you’re building up a badass arsenal for next time. your life boats have been upgraded to a mini yacht, so next time there’s a storm in town you can just batter the hatches, help yourself to the mini bar and (maybe?) perversely enjoy the ride. or get sea sick and puke and have a terrible time, but know that you’re probably not going to die/fall in.